Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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