I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
