sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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