so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
