She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
