there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
