so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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