halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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