I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
