his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
