Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
