I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize