remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize