the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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