she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
