I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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