if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
