oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
