I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
