She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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