awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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