your thong is hanging out like whoa
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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