Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
