I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
