Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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