I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize