remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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