Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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