I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
