does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
