What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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