oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
