life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
