You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize