I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
