i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
