currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
