I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
even my farts smell like vagina
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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