It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
