tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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