also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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