So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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