you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
