once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
