Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
