I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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