hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
