life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
