I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
