apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
