Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
