she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
