so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
