I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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