so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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