I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i will never coherently bang her
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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