Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
