im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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