Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
